...is how far they are along the line.
it's been one of those weeks where it's not so much that you get hit by a truck, but run over by a steamroller at an excruciatingly slow clip. the inevitable looms ever-so-barely on the horizon. it's a new year, but it feels like everything is mired in the past- the overwhelming ennui of the year past seems infectious, and i seem unable to remove myself from the constant curse of mediocrity i have shoeholed myself into.
it's meant to be one of those years that defines your life. the final term of university, graduation, leaving for good; the air of finality is less pervasive than i imagined. perhaps i've been overly influenced by hollywood images of people in caps and gowns, smiling with friends as they pose for insipid photographs and lie about keeping in touch.
so instead of going out and defining my life, i sit in my room and click the little purchase for items i don't really need, slave to self-constructed addictions and relentless consumerism. the winds of change will blow, and soon i'll be sitting somewhere else, clicking different little buttons. there is no choice, no autonomy in what i do.
my life isn't a road, it's a railway track. roads imply exits and alternative destinations.
maybe i'm right, and this is the definition that i so desperately seek. a life of pushing buttons, both real and imagined, with a result that is certain. a definite outcome, a foreseen starting point, and a predictable in-between. ah, cynicism is my gift. i wonder why people see me as a lawyer.
still. all this ranting implies unhappiness. i am not unhappy. i am, however, hanging on, in the void between childhood and adult independence.
if i'm right, the transition will be barely discernable.
3 comments:
excuse me. u'd better not lie about keeping in touch with me because i will track u down and hit u. on the head. very hard. :)
Hey, while you're making little purchases with your clickety fingers, don't stop yourself from buying something for me. It's too gloomy here - I wouldn't mind a surprise gift!! Hur hur. Come back soon!!
imho, all it really takes is a paradim shift; the decision to forge your own path and to get your life from the railway track to the highway (my way or the highway ha ha). i think we're all at the point in our lives where everything could be, and is, so much up in the air. at least my life is. but all i know i need to do is make those decisions. and from then on, look forward, and never back again.
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